just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
