Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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