the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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