Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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