one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
