the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
