You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
