Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
