i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
