wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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