i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Someone shattered a urinal.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
