Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
