Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
