Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
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