never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Randomize
