Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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