Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Randomize
