I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
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