Fine. I'll sleep in my office
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I checked into jail on foursquare
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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