Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
