1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Randomize
