Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Randomize
