....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
