When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
