Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Randomize
