I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
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