look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
