You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
