shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
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