well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
