May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
