I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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