Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
