so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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