I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Randomize
