worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Randomize
