I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Randomize
