Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize
