$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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