i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Randomize
