so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Barsexuality is the new black.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Randomize
