i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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