am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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