it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
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