Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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