Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
