i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
