I wish you could order shots online.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
