Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Randomize
