he wants to bone in the snuggie
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
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