dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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