I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
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