You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
