What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
